怕老婆
 
某大公司的主管十分怕老婆,但很想知道是不是每個男人都一樣? 於是,有一天,集合公司內所有已婚男士說: 「覺得自己怕老婆的人站到左邊,覺得自己不怕老婆的人站到右邊。」 之後,只見一陣騷動,大部分人都去左邊,只有一個去右邊,還有兩個站在原地不 動。 他首先問第一個站在原地不動的人:「為什麼你站著不動?」 那人回答道:「我老婆交代過我,若公司中有分派系時,要保持中立,那一邊都不要 參加,所以我站在中間。」 他再問第二個站在原地不動的人:「你又為什麼站著不動?」 第二個人答道:「我老婆說:凡事不可自己做決定,要先問她才算,我可不可以先打 個電話給她呀?」 這時,眾人皆以敬佩的眼光,投向獨自站到右邊的那位男士,並請他發表感言。 他就說:「我老婆說:人多的地方不要去。」

 

Don't Mess with Children

 

    a) Go to Hell

 

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though

    it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

 

    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

 

    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

    b) White Hairs

 

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly

    noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

 

    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,

    one of my hairs turns white.'  

 

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

    'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

 

    c) There's the Teacher

 

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each

    to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

    'Just think  how nice it will be to look at it when you are  all grown up and say,

    'There's Jennifer, she's a  lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'  

 

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

 

 

    d) Head is Empty

 

    A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,

    she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it,

    and I would turn red in the face.'

 

     'Yes,' the class said.  

 

    'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood

    doesn't run into my feet?'

 

    A little fellow shouted,  'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

    e) God is Watching

 

    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head

     of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:  

 

    'Take only ONE. God is watching.'   

 

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of

    chocolate chip cookies.

 

    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Illusion of Octavio Ocampo... <click here>  MS Power Point Required 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE WEDDING TEST  

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been Dating for over a year,

and so we decided to get married.  


There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,  and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,

and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment,

then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!  With tears in his eyes,

my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

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"Always keep your condoms in your car"

 

 

About Love....click here to Enlarge !

 

TEST FOR DEMENTIA﹝癡呆症﹞

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. Let's find out just how clever
you really are.

下列有四個問題及一個加分題,你必須立刻回答,不能花時間慢慢想,讓我們看看你有多聰明。準備好,向下捲!

First Question: 第一題
 
You are participating in a race.. You overtake the second place person. What position are you in?
 

你參加賽跑,追過第2名,你是第幾名?

Answer
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!

If you overtake the second place person, and you take their place, you are second!

解答: 如果你的回答是第1名,你就錯了!你如果追過第2名,你只是取代那人的位置,你是第2名。

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

 

回答第 2 題,你不能使用與回答第 1 題相同的時間。


Second Question : 第二題

If you are in a race, and you overtake the last person, then you are?
 

你參加賽跑,你追過最後一名,你是第幾名?

Answer
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! You're not having a good time at this! Are you?
 

解答: 如果你的回答是倒數第2名,你又錯了!告訴我,你怎能追過最後一名?顯然你並未樂在其中!


Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

很詭異的算術!這只能在腦中盤算。不要使用紙與筆或計算機,試試看。

 


Third Question: 第三題

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000.

Now add 20. Now add another 1000. now add 10. What is the total?

1000加上40,再加1000,再加30 ,再加1000,現在加上20,再加一次1000,現在加上10,總數是什麼?

Answer
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
 

解答: 得到5000是嗎?正確答案是 4100,不相信,用計算機查證吧!


Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
 

今天對你鐵定諸事不宜,或許最後一題你會對?


Fourth Question: 第四題


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Mary
的父親有5 個女兒,第 1 個女兒 Nana , 第 2 個女兒 Nene , 第 3個女兒 Nini ,第 4 個女兒 Nono ,第 5 個女兒的名字是什麼?

Answer
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

解答: 答案是 Nunu 嗎?不!絕對不是,她的名字是Mary,請再讀一次問題!

 

Okay, now the bonus round. You can partially redeem yourself with this one
好,現在是加分題。這題可稍稍解救﹝彌補﹞你!


Bonus Question 加分題 :


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing

one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
 

一個啞巴想買牙刷,他模仿刷牙的動作,成功的向店主表達,也完成了購買。現在如果一個瞎子想買一副太陽眼鏡,他要如何表達?

Answer
He just has to open his mouth and ask. He's blind, not mute - so simple.

解答: 他只要張開嘴問即可。他是瞎子,不是啞巴。就這麼簡單!


KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE 'SMART PEOPLE' IN YOUR LIFE

把這個傳下去,以便打擊那些你生活中遇到的「聰明人」!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1978年,鄧小平復出,大局底定後,即出訪美國。

首站到華盛頓,離開華府前一日舉辦感謝晚宴,宴會前讓新聞記者提問。
他的翻譯人員首度出國開洋葷,大喝牛奶、大啃牛排,結果肚子鬧革命,
一到會場就上洗手間蹲馬桶,清除反革命份子餘孽。
記者等得不耐煩,就開始發問。

第一個記者問鄧小平:「請問美國的首都在哪一個城市?」
鄧小平簡直鴨子聽雷,根本聽不懂,
他猜想,中國人見到陌生人總是問:「請問貴姓?」
他就硬者頭皮回答:「我姓鄧。」
美國記者聽到鄧小平準確回答「華盛頓」,非常驚訝。

第二個記者繼續追問:「你在華盛頓除了官式行程,還做了什麼活動?」
鄧小平想,中國人問完「貴姓」之後,通常會再問:「大名是什麼?」
他就用四川國語回答:「小平。」

記者對他居然能用英語說shopping,感到不可思議。

第三個記者又考問他:「請問台灣的領導人是誰?」
鄧小平眼見記者不懷好意,頻頻追問,開始焦急起來。
他一面望著大門,看翻譯回來沒有,一方面對記者說:「你等會兒!」

記者以為他回答「李登輝」,佩服不已。

又再問他:「請你再研判一下,李登輝的接班人是誰?」
鄧小平被問得不耐煩,揮揮手說:「隨便!隨便!」

美國記者以為他預言那時是台北市議員的陳水扁,將繼李登輝之後當總統。

記者又繼續追問他:「陳水扁之後,那又是誰?」
鄧小平實在招架不住了,為了阻止記者繼續發問,
他舉起酒杯,高聲說:「飲酒!飲酒!」

Making Puppies...
A man and his son were walking through the park one day, when they saw two dogs having sex.
“Daddy, what are they doing??the young boy asked his father.
Thinking fast, the father said, “Well, son, they’re making puppies.?/font>
Everything was fine for a few days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when their son walked in on them.
“Daddy, what are you doing??he asked.
Thinking fast, the father said, “We’re making you a baby brother.?/font>
The son thought for a moment, then said, “Well, roll her over, Daddy, I’d much rather have a puppy!?
 
Punishment...
 
 
A Pakistani, a Malaysian and a Singaporean were caught smuggling in Saudi Arabia.
They were brought in front of King Fadh for sentencing.
 
"The punishment for your crime is 30 lashes," said the King.
"Since I am in a good mood today, I will grant each of you one wish before the punishment."

"Your Royal Highness, I want to have a pillow tied to my back," requested the Pakistani.
"Your wish is granted," said the King.
 
Unfortunately, at the 25th lash, the pillow fell off the back of the Pakistani. He got 5 painful lashes on his back.
 
"Your Royal Highness, I want to have 2 pillows tied to my back," asked the Singaporean.
"Your wish is granted," replied the King.
 
Again unfortunately, this time, the pillows fell off the Singaporean's back at the 29th lash. He got one painful lash on his back.
 
"I see, you are a Malaysian," the King said.
"In view of the very good relationship between Malaysia and Saudi Arabia, I make an exception to grant you
2 wishes instead."
"Thank you for your kindness. Your Royal Highness, may I have 60 lashes as my punishment?" the Malaysian asked.
"I am surprised, but it is up to you," said the King. "What is your second wish?"
"Your Royal Highness, I want the Singaporean tied to my back," the Malaysian requested.
 
Singapore Airline...
 
Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple,
Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely triplet daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.
 
The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper fashion and when they reached 20,
their parents thought it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable handsome guys.
They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon.
 
As "concerned" parents, Mr. & Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience.
So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......
"Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you were satisfied.
Write a letter to us, but so as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences".
So, the excited daughters were off.
 
A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine.
They opened the letter and found the word "STANDARD CHARTERED".
They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"...
Mr. & Mrs. Ng were happy.
 
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena.
The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad...
"Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".... Again, Mr. & Mrs. Ng beamed with joy.
 
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella.
The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read,
but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES".
Why Singapore Airlines? Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper.
He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish. THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.
The motto was... "7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".
 
Confident and Confidential...
 
Son asks difference between confident and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!
 
Advice..
 
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
 
Recognize by Face...
 
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
 
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
 
As they were crossing an open area, along comes a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese covered their privates
and the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
 
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's my face that people would recognize."
 
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Half Woman Magic... <click here>             Eyestricks - Jesus...   <click here>  
 
The Magic of Crystal Ball.. <click here>      David Copperfield illusion....   <click here> MS Power Point Required
 
Employment Opportunity <click here> MS Word Required        IQ Test...   <click here> MS Power Point Required
 
Get-Rich... <click here> MS Power Point Required
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Annie Wan...
 
Caller :       Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator :  Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller:        No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator:   You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller:        I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator:   I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller:        Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan
                    was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is
                    being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator:   Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter!
                   You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller:       You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator:  I'm Saw Lee.
Caller:       Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
 
At the Restaurant...
 
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Job Application #1
 
Lallu was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote - Yes.
 
Job Application #2
 
Hari Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote "Twice a week". After the receptionist checked his application she told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardarji thought for a long time before coming up with the answer "Preferably FEMALE".

 

Relaxing

 

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.

A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked the him the same question.

Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!" Third one came and asked him the same question again.

Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relax Singh?"

The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are just sitting over here!"

 

Singh Qualified

 

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance as a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

 

i)   Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

ii)  How many seconds are in a year?

 

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

i)   The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

ii)  There are 12 seconds in a year.

 

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer,

even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

 

The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

 

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

 

Hidden Camera

 

Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"

 

Santa:  "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Santa:  "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing.

             Why every minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'.

             How does he know that?"

 

Thank God

 

Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

 

The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would be missing too."

 

In Brief

 

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

 

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.

 

Urine Test

 

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.

So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one said, "I came here for blood test"

Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "

 

First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger".

Hearing this the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"

The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

 

Custody of Children, who should retain custody ?
 
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court.
But the custody of their children posed a problem.
 
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
 
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.
 
After a long moment of silence, the man rose chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
 
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